Saturday, November 13, 2010

Who Am I?

"When I'm with my friends, everything is fine. I smile, I laugh, we have a great time. What no one knows is, my life is a wreck. I cry myself to sleep, wishing I had someone to talk to. I feel so alone. No one understands. No one listens. I wake up every morning, put on a fake smile, and run through my day, like my life is perfect. I look like the picture of happiness, but on the inside, I'm a mess. I look in the mirror and say, 'This isn't me.' Is there anyone out there who can help me? Am I the only one who feels this way?"

Have you been that person before? I have.
Have you ever had those days when it seems like everything goes wrong and you can't do anything right? I have.
Have you ever cried yourself to sleep, worrying about tomorrow? I have.

There was a time in my life when everything seemed wrong. I was the girl looking in the mirror saying, "This isn't me."
There was a time when I thought I could fix everything. "If I could just do *this* then things would get better." "If I could just act *this* way, my life would turn around." I didn't want to ask for help, I wanted to fix things on my own. I thought I could do it, but I was wrong.

Then one night I was lying in bed, feeling so down, so hurt, I started crying. There was no stopping it. All the pain, all the hurt, just poured out right there. I told God that I was sorry. I was sorry for the way I had acted. I was sorry for deserting Him. For thinking I could go it alone. That I could fix everything. I asked Him to forgive me for not trusting Him. Then, it happened...

Healing.

I felt all the worry, all the sadness, all the hurt just wash away. Instead of crying, I was now smiling. I started singing. Yeah, even with Narthea, out like a light in her bed, next to mine. In fact, Narthea being asleep didn't even cross my mind (haha, no, she didn't wake up:). I can even tell you the exact songs that I sang: As the Deer, Worry Is the Lamb and Mighty, Mighty Savior. I was so happy because I knew that I was forgiven, and I didn't have to bear the weight of my sin anymore.

I'm crying, even now, as I type this. Partly because I am so grateful that He showed me what I was doing wrong, and partly because this is hard. It's hard to admit that I'm not... perfect. Even though I'm sure you all know this, it's just hard to admit it. To say that I was broken once. I wasn't living my life the way I should have, and that hurts. But my joy overwhelms my sorrow. I'm so thankful that I was raised up in the knowledge of the Lord, and that my God saved my mom and dad, many years ago, before I was born. I'm so glad that He saved me.

Who am I? I'm a sinner, saved by the grace of my truly amazing Heavenly Father. I'm a girl who didn't deserve what my Savior did for me, but He did it anyways. He loved me, even when I didn't deserve it. And when I was broken, He put me back together, and He keeps putting me back together.

Who am I? I'm a mended heart.

So if you're reading this and you too have a broken heart, I hope that my small testimony will help you in some way. God can do anything. He can take a broken, shattered heart, and put it back together again. He did it for me and He'll do it for you. :)

15 Greetings from Elven Friends

Nela said...

That was very touching on what you said. :)

May God Be With You

Oddyoddyo13 said...

I'm not sure what to say because this was so beautiful, it was hard to describe...I guess you could say I'm a mended heart too. :)

Anna Gray said...

Eldarwen,
This post is by far the most beautiful post I have ever read. I promise you I'm not just saying that either. I could tell that each and every one of these words came directly from your heart. I have been in your place many times before. I have cried my self to sleep, acted cheerful when I was broken. You are right, only He can heal us.

Love you,
Anna Gray

Eden said...

Wow! That's an amazing testimony, Eldarwen! This post was SO encouraging to me. It is very important to trust God to fix us...and to allow Him to come into our hearts. Thanks for sharing, dear friend! Blessings!

Izori said...

Awesome testimony! Your story's a bit like mine.

Lil said...

Here's a link to a picture of you! I found one on a blog: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_iJqQE_kwRYk/TJZ2J4Dg8tI/AAAAAAAABEo/2K1mtguTWAs/s1600/DSC_0305.jpg

Haha, I win!

anna :) said...

Eldarwen, you do not know how much i needed this. i've been struggling with looking in the mirror and saying 'this is not me'. wow. what an amazing post. what an amazing God.

i'm working on letting Him in. i mean, i'm a Christian, but i can't seem to let Him in - in a different way. like i need to let Him in to heal me, not to save me, ya know?

thanks,
anna :)

Eldarwen said...

Lil, oh, no. That's not me, that's Elrania from Of Elven Elrania and Her Horse: http://awesomehorsestuff.blogspot.com/. :)

Jillian said...

Oh Eldarwen! Your last couple of post have been so good! I love the straight forward way you write. I have had problems just like you were talking right out of my mind... wow. It just kind of blows me away. Instead of wishing for something new and exciting to come and change my life, I am slowly learning to live happily, just enjoying what I do.It feels so wonderful!
I am still writing that letter...its a long one.
Jillian

PS How is your Dad?

Eldarwen said...

Jillian, dad is doing pretty good. He's having a little trouble walking and talking, but he's doing pretty good compared to how he's been in the past. :)

Love,
Eldarwen

Zoe said...

I know I sure have been like that!

Shelley said...

Awesome post! So encouraging and hopeful! :)

Brittany-Amelia said...

Thank you Eldarwen.
That's just what I needed now.
Britts

HisPrincessWarrior said...

Dear Eldarwen
(How do you pronounce that, btw?!? J)
My name is Katie~~ I am an eighteen year old, home school graduate living at home, helping my family. I am the oldest of six (!!!)
Through circumstances that are not necessary to divulge (not bad or sinful, just extremely trying family times), for the past two and a half years I’ve had no close friends. Actually quite recently I’ve really had no friends at all. God used this to draw me close to my family, who should’ve been my main priority in the first place, and now I am extremely close to my mom, dad, and younger sister, and I’m continuing to become closer my other siblings as well!! © I thank and praise God for this!!
But I was beginning to feel very alone as a Christian young lady—I needed fellowship with likeminded girls who love the LORD with all their hearts and who are living their lives with all they’ve got to serve Him and bring Him glory. I was so alone and was beginning to be discouraged. My dad and I talked about this and he encouraged me, and told me to keep abiding.
Then I started a blog—and discovered the plethora of amazing Christian girls out there, who are likeminded and love the LORD and serving Him who also have blogs and are using them to further His kingdom!
This has been a great encouragement to me lately!!
I found your blog. J I’ve been following it unofficially for some time with interest, but never subscribed/followed publicly. I think a lot of it had/s to do with the fact that you have so many readers and I’m so new to this whole thing!! lol But when I read your last two posts I lost it.
That was what did it.
The “Who Am I” post really resonated with me. As I touched on B4, my family’s going through a tough-ish time right now, but I also have my own private faith struggles which makes everything harder! I’ve been doing what you described a lot lately, and our infinitely amazing God always comes through for me, similar to the way you described—He always mends. I just wanted to thank you for baring your soul, as it were, and for being courageous enough to be transparent and honest about your struggles. It was SUCH A BLESSING to me!!
Also, the post of Christ’s crucifixion? I know all of those facts. And more! I’ve heard it preached hundreds of times, and had it taught in depth in several Bible classes. And sometimes it dulls to us and becomes just a story. Again, thank you for posting that—it helped to remind me of the acute suffering my Savior endured to save a wretched sinner like me!
I know you only know as much about me as I’ve told you (duh, right? J) but I would love to get to know you better! I would love it if you could email me or visit my humble little blog! Lol
But again, thank you for being a tool in the hand of our Master—those blog posts were a real encouragement!
Love in Christ,
Kathryn (Katie) (Ryn) Hamilton
http://hisprincesswarrior.blogspot.com

Eldarwen said...

Katie, thank you so much for the beautiful, encouraging comment!! You just made my day. :) I visited your blog, and left a reply to your comment on your birthday post. :) Thank you for following my blog! I'm so glad that God used some of my posts to encourage you as well. The funny thing is, when I sat down to write this post, I wasn't even intending on sharing my testimony, I was going to make it a story of someone who had a broken heart. Then I realized I was once a broken heart and I ended up writing this post (does that make sense?:). I know that was God. :)

Again, thanks for visiting, following, and commenting!! I look so forward to getting to know you!

Love,
Eldarwen